Giving Feels So Good It Hurts

Two years ago, I was moved by a video where children from low-income families had to choose between a gift for themselves or one for their parents.

Watch it:

[video_page_section type=”youtube” position=”default” image=”” btn=”light” heading=”Amazing, selfless kids! ” subheading=”” cta=”” video_width=”1080″ hide_related=”true” hide_logo=”false” hide_controls=”false” hide_title=”false” hide_fullscreen=”false”]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OnZfRh_7tzw[/video_page_section]

These children chose a gift for their parents over one for themselves. Are you crying yet? It’s so sweet it hurts. 

At the end of the day, these kids willingly give up their dream Christmas gift, just so they can give their caregiver a present. Tears, I have tears!

So I came up with a list of simple ways to encourage the spirit of giving this holiday season.  

1. Salvation Army Santa: Next time you see a Santa collecting donations give your child a couple of dollars to drop into the collections plate.

2. Christmas toy drive: Let your child select a toy the next time you’re shopping to donate to the local toy drive.

3. Baking: Bake and distribute holiday cookies and other treats to people in your community. (Ashley and her family deliver home-baked cookies to their local fire station.)

4. Suggesting gifts: Have them help you pick out a gift for a sibling or another family member.

5. Stocking stuffers: If you hang stockings by the mantle have your children help you stuff them with treats for others.

These are little things that children can feel good about.

Kickstart the holiday season with these easy Christmas spirit ideas.

Jolly Old Nick is the embodiment of the holiday season not because of the magic sled nor the flying reindeer, but because he gives without expecting to receive.

The post 5 Easy Christmas Spirit Ideas To Encourage Giving appeared first on Lies About Parenting.

(Ok, that’s dramatic. I’m not at all grinchy but I have nursed a long and resentful grudge against the Elf-On-The-Shelf.) I’ve hated it with a fierce eye-rolling passion.

Somehow, this year, that little bastard won me over. Allow me to tell you why.

There was a moment this December when my 7-year-old burst through the door at 8:30pm on a Tuesday night, looking every bit his own person. He was decked out in his cub scout uniform after all…so manly and grown-up.

It hit me. He looks like his own person because he in fact, is. My little guy isn’t so little anymore.

He has his own life to attend to. His own responsibilities, interests, and friends. And it’s going oh-so-fast. Gone is that chubby little toddler that squeezed my hand tight and wandered the neighborhood with me for hours studying anthills. (This is what the ladies in the grocery store are always talking about isn’t it? Now I am really starting to get it.)

He went to bed that night and I found myself wondering (as I set up a date night scene with the elf and Tinkerbell) – how many more magical Christmases are left for him? And for me with him? They are surely slipping away.

For now, he adores that elf. Both of my children do. With a mighty passion. They sprint downstairs looking for it every morning and belly laugh in delight at whatever antics that little pain-in-the-ass has been up to all night.

They will sprinkle reindeer food on the lawn and leave cookies and carrots out on the hearth on Christmas Eve.

They mailed their letters to Santa as we always do, in the special mailbox that we visit downtown. It’s red and says The North Pole in big, scrolly letters.

They believe in Santa. In all of it. They believe in this one miraculous time of year where the world around them becomes the stuff of dreams. It becomes a living childhood fantasy. They buzz with the mystery and excitement of it all.

They still have the incredible ability to believe in impossible things.

For now.

This year, after that moment of seeing my son standing in his little cub scout ensemble, something clicked. I heard the Who’s down in Whoville singing loud and clear.

I felt an unmistakable relief for that fact that he still loves that elf so damn much.

Seeing him fall under the spell of the season, seeing his ability to believe in the absolutely impossible….that creates its own kind of magic.

So, I will hide that pain-in-the-ass elf every night, inventing ridiculous scenes of “mischief”, for as long as my children will have him. And I won’t even flip him off or swear at him anymore. (Or at least not as often.)

Elf is my partner in crime now…I think I might even like him.

For another year, at least.

The post My Christmas Miracle: Why I Stopped Hating Our Elf-On-The-Shelf appeared first on Lies About Parenting.

You want your child to think for themselves.

But leadership is not a quality we all need to have.

A quality worth cultivating is the ability to ask, “Why?”

But “why” can make us cry. Toddlers repetitive questions, questioned family traditions, or poor choices…you get the idea. “Why?” is not always a question we want to answer.

While the trait to question the status quo defined people like Martin Luther King, Jr., Susan B. Anthony and Albert Einstein, it’s also driven parents of toddlers to adults to snap back, “Because!”

We want our kids to question. Time Magazine agrees. Millennial parents hope to raise a generation of forward thinkers rather than those who just go along the flow.

Easy to say. Harder to do.

We’re in the trenches of active duty parenting. It’s hard to follow the path that leads to more questions.

“Why, why, why?!”

Kids needs to ask why. And we need to let them.

Encouraging children to challenge us is challenging because we want them to respect us.

Our boundaries. Our beliefs. Our values.

Children running wild, skipping school, destroying property, and spitting out veggies is not how we envision this whole family thing is going down. On the flip side, who wants little robot babies who regurgitate only what we feed into them?

Question: How do we find a balance of getting kids to question us… without driving us crazy with the whys?

Answer: Place boundaries on a child’s actions, not a child’s thoughts.

Our job as parents is teach our kids how to be productive adults. To do this we have to give them some basic guidelines on how not to be a jerk. That means placing boundaries on actions, but not thoughts.

We need to teach kids how to think, which we do by asking them what they believe rather than telling them what to believe.

Here’s the secret phrase every parent needs:

“What do YOU think?”

That’s it. This simple phrase can open the door to some amazing conversations.

Allowing your kids to search their gut and come up with what feels true to them is a rewarding process – and much easier than drilling things into them. It can be a surprising and sometimes frightening to see where they go. But allowing them to explore — to question — is excellent practice for developing forward thinking skills.

The key is to start small, meet them where they are. Most toddlers and preschoolers dwell in a world of magical realism.

One topic is ripe for an exercise in belief: Santa Claus.

“What do you think?” solves the Santa Conundrum, a topic of much debate in progressive parental circles.

The Pro-Santa camp asserts that forgoing St. Nick robs children of magic and the Anti-Santa group portends that participation is just lying and inherently wrong. I have come to rest in the Santa-if-that-rings-true-to-you camp.

No one wants to bearer of bad news. If we say, “No, there is no St. Nick, we buy all your gifts and put them out when you are asleep.”, we’re telling the truth, but maybe too much truth. We’re taking away the child’s ability to believe. Not to mention crushing their dreams if they do believe.

But if a child says, “How can Santa get to all those houses in one night?”, and I invent something about time travel, I’m working to extend a fantasy without allowing them the space to decide for themselves what is and is not believable.

What would happen if instead of telling kids what Santa does, we just said, “Well, what do you think?”

And then shut up.

Let our kids plunge through the depths of their brain to extract what feels true to them. Time travel or no travel. Their choice.

The trick to making, “What do you think?” work for you is to neither confirm nor deny.

Place no personal judgment on their theories. Instead, extend the conversation with questions like, “What makes you think that?” Doing this will urge them to consider their conclusions more deeply. A good phrase to pull out of your pocket is, “Oh, I see.” This is active listening. It shows you understand the points they are making without critique (no, you don’t have to agree).

Encourage them to seek out information on the topic. Take Santa. Try looking at representations of similar mythical figures from other countries (St. Nicholas is a great place to start), including those who do not believe. It’s educational and allows the child to challenge their own views without feeling judged.

When a child wants a straight answer it will be unmistakable.

They will not go down the road of “What do you think?” Instead, they will push forth repeating their direct questions. That’s when we weigh in with ways in which we take part in these rituals without relieving them of their autonomy.

Take the Subtle Guidance approach, based on your traditions. You can set the scene for belief or nonbelief in your home, although you can’t make it root.

Keeping gifts out of site is one option. Putting gifts out early and focusing on other holiday traditions is another options. Both are ways to create space for your child to explore without direct adult influence.

Children need to flex their intuition and critically thinking muscles. “What do you think?” expands their ability to think for themselves.

Questions also provide a much-needed platform to teach children about respecting the belief systems of others.

Kids are capable of deep, conscious, creative thought. We just have to let them ask, “Why?” the right way.

The post Is Santa Real? The Best Answer to Questions That Make You Cry (or Scream) appeared first on Lies About Parenting.

Lots of things. Groceries, clothes, school supplies, toys, and more.

Things you want, things you need, things you didn’t need but bought anyway.

It’s how most of us live. It’s what we do.

Cue holiday shopping. 

’Tis the season for retailers to prey on your want-to-buy-things consumer soul. Maxed out credit cards. 10 mile long lines at 2am on Black Friday. Panic as you race to get the LAST something-or-other at Target.

All commonly reported problems.

Welcome to the Consumer’s Superbowl.

It gets nutty as a fruitcake out there. We get it. The world has things they want to sell you and they work hard to convince you to buy.

You know who else they are convincing to buy?

Your kids.

It’s all too easy for your little cherubs to get confused during the holidays. Why? Because we say holiday time is not about the gifts…and then we run around buying gifts. The contrast between what you say, and what you do, doesn’t make sense to tiny watching faces.

You say that the holidays are about love, family, spending time together, your faith, etc.

Then you run out and buy a whole lot of crap for everyone. It’s gift-giving, sort of.

Your kids are on to you.

They’re smart. They see the Amazon packages piled at the door and the stacks of holiday catalogs rolling in. Their gazes fall on the eye level display for kids at every check-out.

If you aren’t careful all this holiday hunting sends an unintended message. The message that things are more important than people.

You can unintentionally send the message that gift-giving is about getting.

What can you do?

Here are seven ways to prevent your kids from learning all the wrong things this holiday season.

1. Don’t worry about the Wow! factor. Impressing your kids with piles of presents is not the goal. (No, it’s not.) Pretty please make it anything but that. The more you fall into that trap the more they will too. Children come into this world with zero expectations. It’s up to you to show them the ropes. If you don’t want the holidays to be just about getting piles of stuff, then don’t make huge piles of stuff appear. Something they want, something they need, something to wear, and something to read is more than many “need.”
2. Do something NICE. You don’t have to hand out soup in a shelter or build a house on your winter break though if you do more power to you! Instead, try something simple. Wrap a gift for someone in need. Buy a coffee for the person in line. Take a box of toys to Goodwill. Show your kids the holiday is for giving and not just getting. 
3. Gift Experiences, not “things.” You’re the boss, dammit! If you say it’s a gift then it’s a gift! Set the bar for what your kids expect. Don’t let someone else (marketing and media, I’m talking to you) do it for you. If you want your kids to view time together as a gift, then make it a gift. Give them movie passes, karate lessons, or a trial ski-package. Whatever spins your wheels. 
4. Don’t get every single thing on their list. Don’t search the world over for that turquoise glitter winged unicorn named Storm that sings karaoke and walks backward in the rain for the low, low price of $99.99. Even if your little lady wants her SO SO bad and all the kids have one. Don’t. She will totally live. Draw the line. 
5. Stick to a spending limit. No fun, I know. It’s difficult, but paying off credit card debt into July isn’t doing Johnny and Jane any favors. They dig modern comforts like having food in the fridge and a roof over their heads. Bonus points for less stressed parents. Be the responsible grown-up and don’t let last minute gift marketing ploys do you (and your bank account) in. 
6. Kindly ask relatives to respect your limits. You don’t have to be cool with Grandma showing up with a U-Haul full of enough plastic to fill a new landfill. Set up an Amazon wishlist to show them the kinds of things you’d like your kids to receive and politely ask them to PAY ATTENTION. 
7. Give gifts that result in time well spent. Family games, books, art supplies….these will lead your child to activities you’re happy with. If you don’t want them to play 75 hours of Xbox a week, then don’t get them 14 Xbox games. You are also gifting yourself all this time that you won’t have to spend fighting with them to turn the damn thing off. Everybody wins!

Fun outside of an Xbox

It’s human nature to want more.

It’s completely normal for kids to go down that gift-giving-is-getting road. Society works overtime during the holidays (Christmas music on Halloween, anyone?) to show your kids all the great things they could have.

You don’t want them to feel disappointment. You won’t disappoint if your expectations are clear.

They aren’t going to feel like they got hosed. Seriously.

Odds are you’re the only one counting gifts.

Is that what you want your kids to see? They are going to follow your lead.

It’s your job to help them manage their desires. You are the person to teach them that happiness doesn’t come from having the biggest pile of gifts on the block.

The opposite is true. Research shows that the more “things” we wind up with, the unhappier we become. Decision fatigue sets in and we become overwhelmed with options.

Let’s make a pact for gift-giving this holiday season. Buy children less so they can enjoy more. I’m in.

Are you?​

The post 7 Ways to Avoid Gift-Giving Overload This Year appeared first on Lies About Parenting.