When we see our kids gazing at someone that looks or act differently than us, we’re quick to say, “Don’t stare.”

It’s not polite.

To the child who seems unappreciative of their healthy mind and body we say, “So-and-so down the street will never be able to run and play like you. Be grateful. Run around. Read a book.”

Those messages mean well, but they create an environment of invisibility and pity for the child with special needs.

Our heart is in the right place.

When we tell our kids to ignore disabilities, we’re trying to teach our children to be kind. What we’re really teaching them is to separate.

Your child hears “don’t stare,” so they are taught to avert their eyes.

The disabled child becomes invisible.

You say, “be grateful you aren’t that way,” and they hear, “that person isn’t capable of what you are.”

The disabled child is no longer a peer.

Trying to spare the feelings of a child who is “different,” can backfire – feeling like you don’t belong is a lonely place to live.

Lonely can be the worst.

Inside that disabled, impaired, and unique child, is a person. A person who craves and deserves contact, love, understanding and relationships.

Your child is a critical part of their community. They have the chance to make a difference.

When we tell our kids to ignore disabilities, we’re trying to be kind. What we’re really teaching them is to separate. #specialneeds 

Click to Tweet

Here are 8 ways that you can teach your child to relate to kids with special needs.

1. Say hi. Sounds simple right?

Then why isn’t it? Instead of telling your child not to stare, teach them to smile. To say hello. Encourage them to do so without expecting the same thing in return.

A lack of reciprocation doesn’t mean the act wasn’t noticed or appreciated, nor does it matter.

This tiny gesture that most of us don’t think twice means a great deal to a child that is often inadvertently ignored by the public in an effort to “be polite”.

2. Teach them that they have things in common.

Children with special needs exist under a huge umbrella of issues and diagnosis. They can have much more in common with their peers than meets the eye. Maybe the autistic boy in your son’s class loves Pokemon too. Or the girl with Down’s in your daughter’s home room loves Justin Bieber just as much as your daughter does.

Make an effort to pay attention and teach your kids about similarities where they don’t always expect to find them.

3. Educate everyone.

Teach your child about the reality of a few different disabilities so that they may begin to “get it.” Start with Down’s Syndrome and Autism since they will likely be exposed to peers with these disabilities most often.

Direct the conversation so that you spend your time discussing all of the things these children can do since so often the focus seems to be on what they cannot.

4. Emphasize respect.

As is the case with all people, children with disabilities need to be physically, emotionally and socially respected by their peers. The last thing any of us wants is for our child to be involved in teasing or disrespecting another person.

Communication and instilling the importance of humanity and compassion is critical to ensure that this doesn’t happen.

5. Do something together that inspires conversation and awareness.

When my kids were sorting old toys in the basement one day last year, we starting packing up wooden puzzles that we weren’t using anymore. I suggested we take them to the special education classrooms at my son’s elementary school since I knew that they were used with cognitively impaired students.

My son had a lot of questions about why the kids still used “easy” puzzles. His honest questioning led to a great conversation, and to his first act of kindness toward his peers with disabilities. Small gestures can lead to great leaps in understanding.

6. Discuss communication.

As in, point out that there are many ways kids can communicate. Not just with words. They should know that although some of their disabled peers may be non-verbal, it doesn’t mean that aren’t communicating. This can help your child understand that some of the unfamiliar movements and sounds they see from a special needs child are really acts of communication. Being non-verbal doesn’t mean that your child can’t use other methods of communicating to connect with them.

7. Surprise them.

Your child may not know that disabled people have the ability to accomplish amazing things. They may see surface limitation instead of extraordinary possibility. Show them that the world is full of spectacular minds and incredible athletes who live with disabilities. It may cause them to see their peers with special needs in a whole new light.

8. Be the example.

Smile and talk freely with the disabled man who is bagging your groceries in the check-out line. Be open, friendly and communicative to show your child how important it is. Say hello to the student you pass in the hallway with Down’s and hold the door for the mother whose son is in a wheelchair. Your child is always watching and learning. Be the example.

Foot in mouth, anyone? 

Last year, I taught art and media to three groups of cognitively impaired students. I was intimidated at first because I didn’t want to do or say the wrong thing.

I didn’t want to mess up.

In the end they taught me far more than I taught them. They taught me to relax. They taught me that even if I mess up, they’ll forgive me. They might not be just like everyone else is some ways, but in a lot of ways they were.

In all of the important ways.

Full of personality, kindness, interest and abilities, these kids became one of the very best parts of my day. They made me laugh and made me happy.

Help your child to learn this lesson. Help them to see every kid. They will learn much more than you realize.

It’s worth it.

Help your kids to see every child. No one is invisible. – Blair, LiesAboutParenting.com

Click to Tweet

The post How to Help Your Child Relate to Kids With Special Needs appeared first on Lies About Parenting.

In our efforts to “educate” our children, educational systems have placed so much emphasis on learning that for a lot of kids, the simple pleasure of reading a good story (like watching tv for fun) has been killed. Smushed.

Driven into the ground.

All because we’re trying to make kids smart, not happy.

The Perfect Example of Why Kids Do Not Want to Read

A 5th-grade student showed up for a tutoring session proclaiming that she needed help with her book report. A reluctant reader to begin with, you could see the defeated slump in her shoulders and her downcast gaze.

She was not excited. She was not inspired and wanted to give up. Throw in the book report towel and take a nap. Call it quits.

She pulled the book out of her brightly colored, bejeweled backpack.

The biography of Noah Webster appeared before me.

As in, the guy that wrote the dictionary in the early 1800’s.

No wonder the girl didn’t want to read!

A young, vibrant, funny 10-year-old girl was not going to get excited about writing a book report on Noah Webster. The language was dated and difficult to follow….there was mention of churning butter.

Who could blame her?

Churning butter, really? Maybe a fun experiment, but not a fun read for a kid who already has three times too much homework.

Is there a quicker way to send a kid running for their IPad? She dreaded every page of that book. The instructional form for her book report was just as boring and uninspired.

Since we can’t always control what books and reading methods are being used at school, what can we do at home?

As parents, we have quite a lot of power here. We can take steps toward instilling a love of reading in our kids.

We can raise readers. Here are 10 ways to do it.

1. Make reading together a ritual…and the sooner the better. Reading to a sleepy, gurgling, seemingly uninterested baby may feel silly but it’s not! Start this habit in infancy and hang on to it tightly.“When a child is introduced to books in the warm cozy comfort of a parent’s arms, they quickly learn to associate reading with love.”
   
2. Empower their book buying ability. Yes, the library is there…use it. But, nothing beats browsing the bookstore for just the right book. (Check out the bottom of this post for ideas.)
3. Don’t stop reading to your kids just because they can read to themselves.  It’s a day to celebrate when your child is able to grab a book, find a quiet spot and read all by himself. How did he get so big? So capable? You can scarcely believe your eyes! When this day comes applaud your child for their new ability and keep right on reading out loud together. There is a lot to gain from keeping this ritual alive and well, so don’t bow out now.
4. Have meaningful conversations about what you read together. This can start much earlier than you think as long as you keep it at an age-appropriate level. Kids are smart! Have some fun with it. What character would your child want to come over and play if they could pick one from any of their books? As your child gets older you can take it up a notch. Read chapter books and take the opportunity to start discussing what you are reading. Introduce your child to the deeper aspects of literature. Start conversations about character, theme, predictions, and opinions. The goal is to inspire conversation and thought, not to lecture.
5. Practice what you preach! Don’t tell your kids how important it is to read while your hand is grasped firmly around the TV remote. Let them see you reading for enjoyment because as always, they are watching you. Modeling the reading habits you hope that they adopt is critical. Be an example even if it means missing a hot date with Netflix a few times a week.
6. Don’t be a buzzkill. Let your child decide what they are interested in reading and DO NOT discourage their choices. Is it almost physically painful to see your 7-year-old son bypass a book you’ve been dying to read him and reach for a Minecraft book at the book fair? Yes! It sure is! But bite your tongue anyway and let him take home that one book he will dive into the second he walks in the door. Part of kids loving to read is being given the opportunity to read what they love.
7. Early literacy and early reading are very different. “Reading” in its earliest stage is looking at pictures, listening to an adult tell the story and simply flipping the pages. Don’t turn it into a phonics lesson every time you crack open a book. Especially in the pre-k years! Most kids are not developmentally ready to blend letter sounds and memorize sight words at that point, nor should they be. Continually urging them in that direction before they are ready will frustrate them and turn them off from reading altogether. Avoid the tragedy!
8. Keep books in your house. NOT just on your Kindle or e-reader where they can’t be seen, touched or flipped through by curious hands. We’re talking about real ones. Made out of paper. Let them lay their eyes on the stacks of books that have captured your heart and mind over the years. When they are younger it serves as proof that you do indeed love reading. When they are older it will provide a deeper glimpse into who you are and even paves the way toward discovering shared interests and passions.
9. Re-read. And then re-read some more. Yes, even if it makes you want to tear your eyes out. I know, I know the 75th time through is tough, but re-reading offers tremendous benefits toward interest and cognitive understanding. Your child’s depth of interest and understanding picks up as they start to know a book by heart. And so does their love for the book. You may not enjoy that you are able to recite “Are You My Mother” in your sleep, but your child is gaining an appreciation that is worth the temporary suffering.
10. Start (or locate) a book swap. They’re often located in public places or can easily be started at your child’s school. I’ve seen Little Libraries all over Detroit! Check the site to see if they are in your area. There’s always a great selection for swapping for adults and kids. Book selection can vary, so you might consider launching one with like-minded friends. The selections can be fresh and fun, and your child can choose which books to swap out for a new read.

23% of Americans did not read a single book in 2014.

The good news is that recent news reports point to a resurgence of indie bookstores. Fingers crossed this means more reading!

We can’t always choose what our children will come to love. Nor should we! But some things are worth giving it our all. Like reading.

Fight the good fight! You have control over this one.

(Make sure to check out James Patterson’s excellent website Read Kiddo Read to find kid-approved lists of books broken down by age and category. It’s a great resource for making sure you are keeping your library stocked with things that kids are currently into. It will also make you seem incredibly hip and cool.)

You can raise a reader.

The post 10 Ways to Raise a Reader For Life appeared first on Lies About Parenting.

In your bathroom.

On your big screen.

It’s a battle with the side of yourself that you hope your kids don’t notice.

Health vs. Beauty

The chick that checks herself out in the mirror every morning and says those jeans make me look fat. The mean girl who says your nose is too big when you’re putting makeup on in the mirror.

We all do it. You. Me. Everyone.

Media, culture, and marketing companies make sure we keep confusing healthy with beauty. Beauty sells. 

Health has become confused with perfection.

Aren’t you tired of feeling like you’re never enough?

Sometimes what we do when we think the kids aren’t looking sends an even louder message than what we say.

Filtered Instagram pics, professional Facebook family photos, and a 24/7 culture that favors looks over life.

Our families are drowning in photoshopped perfection.

You can’t escape a world that loves beauty.

Image Matters

Sometimes the culture around us has a message of it’s own, confusing the one want to convey to our kids.

The crisis of children and teens with body image issues is more serious than ever before. Boys and girls alike are subject to the impacts of unachievable cultural standards.

In a world where the average teen is reported to spend 9 hours a day using some form of media, consider how many images of “health” intercept what we hope to teach them. Think about how important physical appearance can seem.

Men are supposed to be lean, tanned and muscular. Women must be impeccably manicured and impossibly thin.

This isn’t okay. The pressure and resulting low self esteem, can have devastating consequences.

Here are 8 ways to steer your kids toward a rockin’ body image instead of just an empty quest for a rockin’ bod.

1. Shut down the Peanut Gallery.

   Making remarks about someone’s weight gain (or even their loss) sends a clear message. A bad one.

   Saying, “Wow, you lost the baby weight! You look amazing!” is the same as saying, “Uh-oh, Uncle Roy really needs to lay off the cheeseburgers.” Both statements imply that someone’s weight is fair game for public scrutiny. It’s not. It’s none of your business.

   Zip it.

2. Be kind. To yourself!

   Your kids are watching you. You spend time and energy assuring them that your value isn’t defined by pants size, bulging muscles and a face from a magazine. Take your own advice. Don’t let them overhear you saying that you hate the way your thighs look in leggings.

   Don’t let them see you pulling back on your face to erase those fine lines while you look disappointed with yourself for aging. (What were you thinking getting older?!)

   Model the self love that you want them to find for themselves.

3. Don’t be a couch potato.

   Be active together. If they see you working on your sofa indent for 6 hours a day they will likely follow suit. Bust out the sneakers and run around with them in the backyard. Walk your dog together, have a dance party, go for a bike ride. Your choice, just move!

   Being sedentary isn’t beneficial for anyone.

   Health is about feeling good and feeling good involves activity. 

4. Banish the F word from your vocabulary. (The other one.)

   The word “fat” doesn’t need to be spoken to children. Due to the long-standing playground use of that word as a verbal weapon, it has earned it’s place on a list of things you shouldn’t say. The connotation is insulting, mean and sends the wrong message to kids.

   Retire it if you haven’t already.

5. Cook together.

   Kids aren’t born with an understanding of nutrition. They learn it. One of the most effective ways of doing that is by spending time in the kitchen together. Discuss food and explain the ways some foods nourish the body and others don’t. Don’t worry about the mess and let them roll up their sleeves and be a part of the action.

   Making it a weekly ritual would provide benefits that far outweigh the convenience of ordering a pizza every Friday.

   [Tip: Start a Sugar Scan. For one day, help your child track their sugar intake. It’s actionable and hands-on, which the brain will remember. The results are always surprising.]

   

6. Don’t comment on their weight gains and losses.

   If your child is at an unhealthy weight intervention is necessary, but in the case of slight fluctuations don’t mention it! It’s part of life. Your commentary will not assist them in any way. It is more likely to have adverse effects.

7. Teach them the truth about media.

   Blow the BS whistle! There is a great divide between the average person in real life and the average person as portrayed in the media. Make sure that your kids know the difference. Not every woman is a size 2 (far from it) and not every man looks like George Clooney.

   Own your differences.

8. Empower them.

   Your child is so much more than their physical appearance. Of course they are! Make sure that they know without any doubt at all, that you love them for who they are on the inside. Build their confidence so that they can stand tall even when you aren’t around.

   Give them the tools to know that their inner strengths are the ones that count.

Join us on the battlefield and fight for health, not beauty.

Being healthy is important. Healthy is beautiful and our kids need to know. It’s quite possibly the single most important thing that you can do for yourself and your family. Teaching your children how to be healthy is your responsibility. Social, emotional, and physical health matter.

You can start right now.

Look at yourself in mirror, a phone, or a window. Acknowledge something good about yourself.

Easier said than done. But totally doable.

You got this.

The post 8 Ways to Empower Kids to Love Their Bodies appeared first on Lies About Parenting.

Teaching is hard. Fulfilling and life-changing yes, but also hard. Taking care of that many kids for 40 hours every week with the requirement of them actually learning things at that time….that can be a tall order.

Add in the politics of it all, mandatory testing, continuing education requirements, packed classrooms, long days and sub-par pay….

[2020 Edit: And right now, they’re doing all this from a kitchen table or spare bedroom!]

Well, let’s just say it can get stressful. 

And then there are the parents.

Yes, I’m talking about you. About us. The Parents. Well-meaning, but we can be a big pain in the butt at times.

As a teacher and a parent, I know it’s true. It’s practically an epidemic.

You just want your child to succeed at school, right? Of course, you do. You are an involved, invested, hands-on parent. That’s your job and you’re gonna rock it! So you check-in, give feedback, suggestions….dare we say even direction?

Admit it. We all do it.

There are times that the things we do out of love can add to the heavy burden our teachers already carry. 

Here’s what your child’s teacher wishes they could tell you (if only they weren’t expected to be so gosh darn diplomatic and agreeable 24/7). Out of love of course. With a dash of desperation for easier days.

8 Secrets Teachers Want to Shout

1. Yes, your child is special. To you.

   You see the sunrise and set in their eyes. They are the love of your life. Their talents endless and their mistakes dismissible. Odds are that in reality, they are probably pretty average. Most people are. Everyone has their strengths to be sure, and likewise, everyone has a weakness or two. If your child is coming home with grades that you don’t think to correlate to the genius status you have assigned them, it’s possibly because they deserve the mediocre marks they get. Not because the teacher is trying to sabotage their invitation to MENSA.

2. Stop being a superhero.

   Seriously stop. Superheroes are for movies, not for parenting strategies. Don’t call your kid in sick because they didn’t study for a test. Don’t rush their homework to them in the middle of the day because they left it at home. And don’t storm in guns blazing because you are convinced they should have been given a better grade on that project that they (you) worked so hard on last week. You’re not doing anyone any favors here. Your child least of all. Letting them experiencing age-appropriate failure and consequence is letting them practice for life. Stop bailing them out. That’s not the real world. Teachers will thank you now and your kids will thank you later.

3. Please don’t let our next generation survive on a diet of complete crap.

   Sure, little Jimmy just loves Capri Sun and GoGurt! But 20 packets of sugar in his breakfast is the reason your “wild man” convulses in his chair for the first hour of school until he finally slips into the catatonic coma of the nutrient deficient. That is, until snack time when he can grab his bag of Doritos like a boss and start the cycle all over again. How can he learn when his physical needs are all out of whack? Help him learn what to do for his body so that he has the best shot of being successful. It makes a difference. (Yes it does.) Try it.

4. Don’t call them or text the kiddos when they’re at school.

   C’mon moms and dads! Think back to the olden days when our parents called the office if they needed to talk to us during school hours. (And how rarely that needed to happen.) Take a cue! It’s difficult enough for teachers and administrators to keep kids away from phones and devices at school without the added issue of their parents being on the other end! You’re inadvertently sending a message that the rules don’t matter. Texts and calls say time in class isn’t valuable. Every text and call says there’s no reason not to interrupt. Don’t be part of that already an extremely prevalent problem.

5. Teachers know your child in a different way than you do.

   No, not better. Just different. Teachers see what students act like with their peers. When you aren’t there. This can be significantly different from the way they act at home or when they know you’re around. If you hear a story from a teacher that you refuse to believe- because you could never in a million years imagine your sweet little girl doing that- reconsider. Admit that you don’t know everything she would or could do. Her teacher has nothing to gain by pretending that she acted unfavorably. There are no kickbacks for calls home. They would rather be doing anything else.

6. You don’t know how to do a (good) teacher’s job better than they do.

   Education has become a free-for-all of uninformed opinions. Everyone feels entitled to speak with authority on teaching and they don’t mind sharing it with their child’s educator. You would never dream of telling your dentist how to perform a root canal, or your electrician how to wire your generator. Why is telling a teacher how to teach any different? Teachers have put time, effort and years upon years of study into their profession. It’s likely that they know how to do it better than you do.

7. Teachers care about their students.

   About your student. They are trying their best every day to make his education all that he deserves. They work long after that last bell rings and there are times they lie awake at night thinking about their classroom. About their students. About how they can help. Aside from you, no one wants your child to succeed more.

8. Put a lid on it about how lucky teachers are to have summers off.

   Seriously. 

The post Dear Parent, This Teacher Has 8 Secrets to Share With You appeared first on Lies About Parenting.

(Ok, that’s dramatic. I’m not at all grinchy but I have nursed a long and resentful grudge against the Elf-On-The-Shelf.) I’ve hated it with a fierce eye-rolling passion.

Somehow, this year, that little bastard won me over. Allow me to tell you why.

There was a moment this December when my 7-year-old burst through the door at 8:30pm on a Tuesday night, looking every bit his own person. He was decked out in his cub scout uniform after all…so manly and grown-up.

It hit me. He looks like his own person because he in fact, is. My little guy isn’t so little anymore.

He has his own life to attend to. His own responsibilities, interests, and friends. And it’s going oh-so-fast. Gone is that chubby little toddler that squeezed my hand tight and wandered the neighborhood with me for hours studying anthills. (This is what the ladies in the grocery store are always talking about isn’t it? Now I am really starting to get it.)

He went to bed that night and I found myself wondering (as I set up a date night scene with the elf and Tinkerbell) – how many more magical Christmases are left for him? And for me with him? They are surely slipping away.

For now, he adores that elf. Both of my children do. With a mighty passion. They sprint downstairs looking for it every morning and belly laugh in delight at whatever antics that little pain-in-the-ass has been up to all night.

They will sprinkle reindeer food on the lawn and leave cookies and carrots out on the hearth on Christmas Eve.

They mailed their letters to Santa as we always do, in the special mailbox that we visit downtown. It’s red and says The North Pole in big, scrolly letters.

They believe in Santa. In all of it. They believe in this one miraculous time of year where the world around them becomes the stuff of dreams. It becomes a living childhood fantasy. They buzz with the mystery and excitement of it all.

They still have the incredible ability to believe in impossible things.

For now.

This year, after that moment of seeing my son standing in his little cub scout ensemble, something clicked. I heard the Who’s down in Whoville singing loud and clear.

I felt an unmistakable relief for that fact that he still loves that elf so damn much.

Seeing him fall under the spell of the season, seeing his ability to believe in the absolutely impossible….that creates its own kind of magic.

So, I will hide that pain-in-the-ass elf every night, inventing ridiculous scenes of “mischief”, for as long as my children will have him. And I won’t even flip him off or swear at him anymore. (Or at least not as often.)

Elf is my partner in crime now…I think I might even like him.

For another year, at least.

The post My Christmas Miracle: Why I Stopped Hating Our Elf-On-The-Shelf appeared first on Lies About Parenting.

Lots of things. Groceries, clothes, school supplies, toys, and more.

Things you want, things you need, things you didn’t need but bought anyway.

It’s how most of us live. It’s what we do.

Cue holiday shopping. 

’Tis the season for retailers to prey on your want-to-buy-things consumer soul. Maxed out credit cards. 10 mile long lines at 2am on Black Friday. Panic as you race to get the LAST something-or-other at Target.

All commonly reported problems.

Welcome to the Consumer’s Superbowl.

It gets nutty as a fruitcake out there. We get it. The world has things they want to sell you and they work hard to convince you to buy.

You know who else they are convincing to buy?

Your kids.

It’s all too easy for your little cherubs to get confused during the holidays. Why? Because we say holiday time is not about the gifts…and then we run around buying gifts. The contrast between what you say, and what you do, doesn’t make sense to tiny watching faces.

You say that the holidays are about love, family, spending time together, your faith, etc.

Then you run out and buy a whole lot of crap for everyone. It’s gift-giving, sort of.

Your kids are on to you.

They’re smart. They see the Amazon packages piled at the door and the stacks of holiday catalogs rolling in. Their gazes fall on the eye level display for kids at every check-out.

If you aren’t careful all this holiday hunting sends an unintended message. The message that things are more important than people.

You can unintentionally send the message that gift-giving is about getting.

What can you do?

Here are seven ways to prevent your kids from learning all the wrong things this holiday season.

1. Don’t worry about the Wow! factor. Impressing your kids with piles of presents is not the goal. (No, it’s not.) Pretty please make it anything but that. The more you fall into that trap the more they will too. Children come into this world with zero expectations. It’s up to you to show them the ropes. If you don’t want the holidays to be just about getting piles of stuff, then don’t make huge piles of stuff appear. Something they want, something they need, something to wear, and something to read is more than many “need.”
2. Do something NICE. You don’t have to hand out soup in a shelter or build a house on your winter break though if you do more power to you! Instead, try something simple. Wrap a gift for someone in need. Buy a coffee for the person in line. Take a box of toys to Goodwill. Show your kids the holiday is for giving and not just getting. 
3. Gift Experiences, not “things.” You’re the boss, dammit! If you say it’s a gift then it’s a gift! Set the bar for what your kids expect. Don’t let someone else (marketing and media, I’m talking to you) do it for you. If you want your kids to view time together as a gift, then make it a gift. Give them movie passes, karate lessons, or a trial ski-package. Whatever spins your wheels. 
4. Don’t get every single thing on their list. Don’t search the world over for that turquoise glitter winged unicorn named Storm that sings karaoke and walks backward in the rain for the low, low price of $99.99. Even if your little lady wants her SO SO bad and all the kids have one. Don’t. She will totally live. Draw the line. 
5. Stick to a spending limit. No fun, I know. It’s difficult, but paying off credit card debt into July isn’t doing Johnny and Jane any favors. They dig modern comforts like having food in the fridge and a roof over their heads. Bonus points for less stressed parents. Be the responsible grown-up and don’t let last minute gift marketing ploys do you (and your bank account) in. 
6. Kindly ask relatives to respect your limits. You don’t have to be cool with Grandma showing up with a U-Haul full of enough plastic to fill a new landfill. Set up an Amazon wishlist to show them the kinds of things you’d like your kids to receive and politely ask them to PAY ATTENTION. 
7. Give gifts that result in time well spent. Family games, books, art supplies….these will lead your child to activities you’re happy with. If you don’t want them to play 75 hours of Xbox a week, then don’t get them 14 Xbox games. You are also gifting yourself all this time that you won’t have to spend fighting with them to turn the damn thing off. Everybody wins!

Fun outside of an Xbox

It’s human nature to want more.

It’s completely normal for kids to go down that gift-giving-is-getting road. Society works overtime during the holidays (Christmas music on Halloween, anyone?) to show your kids all the great things they could have.

You don’t want them to feel disappointment. You won’t disappoint if your expectations are clear.

They aren’t going to feel like they got hosed. Seriously.

Odds are you’re the only one counting gifts.

Is that what you want your kids to see? They are going to follow your lead.

It’s your job to help them manage their desires. You are the person to teach them that happiness doesn’t come from having the biggest pile of gifts on the block.

The opposite is true. Research shows that the more “things” we wind up with, the unhappier we become. Decision fatigue sets in and we become overwhelmed with options.

Let’s make a pact for gift-giving this holiday season. Buy children less so they can enjoy more. I’m in.

Are you?​

The post 7 Ways to Avoid Gift-Giving Overload This Year appeared first on Lies About Parenting.

It’s the bully that never goes away.

He doesn’t go home for dinner and a long night’s sleep to give his weary target a reprieve.

Nope, instead he follows his victim home, sits beside them on the couch at night and rides next to them when they are safely in the car with their parents.

He even walks the dog with them.

He is always a notification away, a ding here, an alert there….he is impossible to escape or ignore.

He is the cyber bully.

I have stood in front of a classroom first thing in the morning and seen the aftermath of an evening at home that was punctuated by social networking interactions.

Gone is the room full of kids who have spent an evening with their families and taken a break from each other. In their place, you see a room full of kids that have been in communication since the minute they left the day before.

There have been text messaging groups that included some kids but not others.

There have been pictures that weren’t “liked” enough and posted comments that stung.

There have been hundreds of exchanges that have left their mark.

Growing up was hard enough in the pre-internet era, but kids today have way more to worry about. Like posts and pictures and play-by-plays that will live online, forever.

Talk about scary.

Bullying has always happened. Tears were always shed. Kids got beat up on the playground and teased on the bus. Notes were passed about them in the back of a crowded classroom.

We’ve all been there. And it’s awful.

Some have been there more often and suffered more lasting consequences. Research shows that to the victims of bullies, anxiety and depression often become their most steadfast and constant playground companions.

As a parent, it is vitally important to do what you can to take action. We all have to. Those are our children out there and they need our help. They need our protection and our guidance.

No one wants their child to be bullied.

And no one wants their child to be the bully. There are simple but critical things you can start doing today to prevent bullying from happening.

But the statistics are startling.

Robbie Richards works at Rawhide Boys Ranch, a non-profit organization helping at-risk youth in Wisconsin and has compiled a comprehensive tool to share everything you need to know about cyberbullying. 

So, what do you need to know? 

That it happens to the majority of kids, that they are scared of telling their parents, and that most have stood by while cyberbullying occurred.

Meaning, if your kid is old enough, chances are they’ve watched someone bully someone else.

And let them.

That means it’s time for a talk. Even if you don’t think it’s a problem, it’s Anti-Bullying Awareness Week. So take a minute, and talk about bullying. ​

To raise awareness, share with the #BAW2015. Infographic courtesy of rawhide.org. 

​

​

The post The Cyber Bully Is The Worst Kid On The Block. appeared first on Lies About Parenting.

Who in their right mind would expose their sweet, innocent children to parental conflict?

Oh, wait! Everyone. On. Earth. Because we’re all human and stuff. And humans get pissed off.

You’re a pretty great human. Don’t worry. You love your family.

You’re trying to be a role model so your kids don’t become serial killers, move out of the house (eventually), and become caring big humans.

But it’s inevitable. Even you get pissed off. And sometimes (gasp!) your kids see the whole unsightly mess unfold.

Tell Dr. Phil to follow #noshameparenting

We’re all imperfect. Pretending otherwise isn’t healthy, or doing your kids a favor. Fighting in front of the kids is a way to help them build confidence and learn coping skills that they’ll need later in life.

Even child psychiatrists agree. Research shows that hiding your child from conflict is a bad idea.

Disagreements are inevitable. You don’t want them storming out of their future boss’s office for a satisfying door slam and glass of wine, do you? (The answer is no.)

Here’s how you can be armed and ready to fight in front of the kids.

Don’t worry, little Junior won’t need to cash in his college fund for a lifetime supply of therapy.

There will be an “oh sh*t” moment where you realize that you’re engaging in parental conflict with the little tykes sitting three feet away.

You didn’t schedule the heated argument to take place with them in the room. You’re going to be caught off guard.

Don’t panic.

This isn’t the time to start flipping chairs like you’re starring in an episode of Jerry Springer, but you don’t have to cease fire either. All you have to do is keep your wits about you and handle it like a grown up.

Act like a grown-up by thinking like a kid.

Apply playground rules.

Practicing what you preach makes you want to punch someone in the face. We know.There’s time for going all Jerry Springer later though waiting will calm you down.

In the meantime, try these 5 Playground Rules if you’re fighting in front of the kiddos. Their future therapist will thank you.

1. Fight Clean.

Not the best time to start calling the so-called love of your life a good-for-nothing a$$hole. Bite your tongue about that time in college that he got hammered and puked all over your roommate. Keep it above board. Don’t allow the kids to see you insulting someone that you all love.

Arguments never have to involve low blows, especially when you have small spectators.

2. Fight Fair.

Give the other person an opportunity to speak. Don’t yell. No throwing things, dammit! Use the strategies you learned in college in that Interpersonal Communications class you sometimes showed up for and listen. This is your chance to fight like a grown-up. Model those manners you keep telling your kids they need to use.

Channel your inner Queen Elizabeth and behave with grace and dignity. Your scrappy street fighter can come out later (or better yet, not at all).

3. If you’re wrong (that sucks), admit it and apologize.

Painful, isn’t it? Nothing tastes worse than the bitter flavor of swallowing your own pride and admitting defeat. But, who better than you to show your child that manning up and admitting when you’ve made a mistake is an ace move?

Show them that when you’ve done wrong, the right thing to do is to be the bigger person and say you’re sorry.

4. If you are NOT wrong (we knew it!), accept the apology and move on.



Sorry…couldn’t resist.

Let everyone see you forgive. It’s never easy. Think of what you would want them to do in the same spot and do it. Forgiveness feels good. The more you do it, the better you feel. Brush off that giant chip on your shoulder for the rest of the day. Show them how to forgive someone for their mistakes without holding it against them.

5. Be Honest.

Bobby and Sally might have a few questions after they see mom and dad throw down. That’s ok! It’s a teachable moment. This is the perfect chance to tell them that everyone fights and feels angry and upset sometimes. It doesn’t mean that their parents don’t love, respect, and care for one another.

People don’t always agree. That’s healthy and a normal part of life. Show your kids how to confront confrontation. Show them that solving conflicts in a respectful way is a necessary and essential part of human relationships.

You don’t want to fight in front of your kids. But parents arguing? It happens.

Keep your parenting gold star by earning your playground one.

You may even be able to make something good come of it. Lessons are often learned in the most unexpected of places.

That’s one of the greatest things about parenting….in the end things are what you make them out to be. Just because fights are bound to break out on the playground doesn’t mean that anyone has to leave with a black eye.

P.S. No joke about the black eye thing. Violence is NEVER okay – in front of children or not. Verbal, mental, or physical – child abuse (and adult) comes in many forms and it’s not always obvious. Ask for help if you’re worried the fights have become more than “just fights.” Chin up, and protect yourself and your children from all forms of abuse. It’s not just black eyes that leave scars.

The post How to Fight In Front of Your Kids appeared first on Lies About Parenting.

You want them to be happy.

Don’t you?

Oh, and culturally, socially and academically successful, too. (Of course.)

You want them to be perfect pillars of well-roundedness.

That’s just the parenting age in which we live!

And we’re a great generation of parents, in so many ways. We fill our children with joy. We work to shield them from harm, disappointment, sadness, failure, and boredom.

You work hard to help your kids to sail through life.

Your intentions are good, but the problem is, that’s not real life. Every single child will face failure and negative emotions.

Are we doing our kids any favors by manipulating reality and try to hide all the nasty parts?

No.

We may even be doing them harm.

[thrive_headline_focus title=”It’s a struggle to find balance.” orientation=”left”]

So, what can we do to avoid raising a generation of teacup children that grow up to be entitled adults?

How do we raise kids who can cope with life’s twists and turns?

The answer lies in awareness.

Here are 8 ways you can help your child learn to cope with life.

1. Only Liars Lie

Sometimes, reality bites.

Don’t pretend that your son’s best friend is going to the dentist when he’s really going to a birthday party that your son wasn’t invited to.

Take the opportunity to explain that everyone doesn’t get invited and that’s just life.

Be honest! You’ll be surprised at the inner strength he displays – given the chance.

Do something special for him that day to keep his mind off it.

Twenty years later, when he isn’t invited to a dinner party or a round of drinks after work, he’ll brush it off without a second thought.

2. Losers Lose.

Beat her. (No, not like that!) Just don’t let her win all the time. Even chess masters don’t win all the time.

She’ll learn to live when her adrenaline is pumping and she’ll desperately want to win… but she won’t. Someone else will.

They will beat her fair and square and that’s how games (and life) go.

Teach her to say, “good game!”, with a smile plastered on her face, and move on.

Life is full of losing hands.

Don’t dwell.

3. Kill the Copycat

I know, you feel like sh*t that your kid’s buddy from school goes skiing in Vail every Christmas, has summers at the beach house, and plays travel soccer for two grand a season, but that doesn’t mean you should break the bank attempting to do the same.

Show your kids that some people have more material things and some people have less. It’s an opportunity to learn gratitude for what he does have.

It’s an opportunity to understand that things aren’t the baseline for happiness.

Someday, he’ll know better than to finance a Beamer on 35k right out of college.

4. Believe in Boredom

Parenting today focuses on keeping our kids busy. Playdates, lessons, sports, and weekends are packed back-to-back, and beside carefully planned family activities.

In our quest to keep our kids happy we forget that it’s good to be bored.

Wonderful ideas are born out of boredom. You aren’t outfitted with a personal jester that pops out of the hall closet to make you laugh whenever you’re bored or lonely.

Your kids don’t need one either.

You don’t have to do that for them.

You shouldn’t do that for them.

They will learn to be creative, dynamic, and independent by filling their own days on occasion. Take 5 and read a book.

5. Honesty Is the Best Policy (I Swear!)

Grown-ups learn that we suck at certain things, even though we may love to do them (I’m looking at you, Karaoke). Drunk people will lie and say we have talent but we know better.

Newsflash- it’s not good to lie to kids about their weaknesses. You are not being cruel by being honest with your child about where their current talents do (or don’t) lie. If they are pitiful at basketball and devastated time after time when they don’t make the team, they have two options. Dedicate more effort and find a different sport.

They will learn to play to their strengths and understand that sometimes despite their best efforts, there are natural abilities that we are not all blessed with.

Like singing voices. And slam dunks. We can’t have it all.

6. Oh, the Places You Will Go, Kid! (even if you don’t want to)

Find yourselves avoiding things that you would actually really like to do because you know your kids won’t be excited about it? Stop it!

Love a morning yoga class but find yourself skipping it all the time because your kids hate the gym childcare? Too bad!

Your days are chock full of doing sh*t you don’t feel like doing, but you do it.

And odds are that most of your days revolve around them, so let them take one for the team and return the favor from time to time.

Get your dog on, and tell the kids they just need to deal.

7. Sharing Sucks

You’re at a playdate and Johnny has a sweet new Tonka that he just scored for his birthday and has promised to never let go of.

Your little dude wants in on that action!

It’s tempting to let Johnny’s mom force the handover to your sobbing tot. Don’t let her.

When your coworker shows up with a shiny new Apple Watch and you’re dying to put that sucker on, do you throw yourself on the floor crying until she lets you have it?

Of course not! If that worked IRL, life would be one big pile of temper tantrums and tears.

We are not entitled to other people’s possessions just ‘cause.

If Johnny wants to share, cool. If not, too bad, so sad little guy.

Pick a different toy.

8. Timberrrr!

Most kids have one stunt that they pull repeatedly, leaving their parents begging them to be careful and to just stop. Maybe it’s scaling scary stuff or swinging from the monkey bars.

You know your kids will completely ignore you even when you’re hyperventilating and reaching for a Xanax.

Hold that thought, pop that Xanax (if you’re not driving), and let them fall.

The case for letting children climb is strong. The case for staying out of their way on the playground is even stronger.

And if they fall? Lesson learned.

Maybe then they’ll realize you’re telling them to be careful for a reason and not just to piss on their parade.

Probably not, but it could happen.

The post 8 Ways to Raise Kids Who Can Cope (even if you can’t) appeared first on Lies About Parenting.